Dedication

I have decided to dedicate this piece

to all those who have wished

to wear my skin as their own.

May you find what you need.

To become me, you must be me. You must live your life in accordance and strictly adhere to the contract I signed upon entrance to this Earthly plane.

Here’s your roadmap: 

  1. Meet a sociopath
  2. Enter into a codependent friendship with said sociopath
  3. Move in with said sociopath
  4. Become an alcoholic
  5. Completely enmesh yourself with nightlife culture
  6. Experience horrendous psychological abuse at the hands of said sociopath. Includes, but is not limited to:
    • Gaslighting
    • Brainwashing
    • Psychological warfare (other)
    • Physical abuse
  7. Decide you’ve had enough and move out only to experience (for 8 months):
    • Stalking
    • Terrorizing
    • Homelessness
  8. Decide to move across the state to escape
    • (Allegedly!) Have a hit put out on you (:
  9. Fall into a near catatonic state after realizing
    • You have undiagnosed ADHD & codependency
    • Your family is run amok with narcissists
    • You realize the level of danger you put yourself in
  10. Pull yourself out of catatonia only to fall into depersonalization and derealization. Remain here for 24 months.
  11. Start your healing journey. Except it completely refries your nervous system AGAIN because you are not programmed for any real form of love, care, nurturing, or intimacy. WARNING: this will lead to an unmentionable amount of isolation, and you may go insane.
  12. Succeed, and engineer a brand new nervous system
  13. Move across the country AGAIN, because roommate #2 is also a master manipulator and will stop at nothing to make your life as hard as possible.
  14. Start a (retail) job where everyone looks at and treats you like you’re the scum on the bottom of their shoe. Bonus points if they compare you to a cockroach (aka “why won’t this bitch die”)
  15. Consume an alarming amount of weed that eventually leads to episodic psychosis when you smoke too much.
  16. Decide to move back in with your parents because of capitalism and because you forgot how truly horrific they actually are.
  17. Start a blog. And make it a comedic spin off of life after death.

The End.

I hope this helped! Please let me know if you try, or have tried, any of the things on this list!

Best of luck!

Cue the slow zoom-out, the haunting score, and… CUT! That’s a wrap.

Welcome behind the curtain — a space where we take a breath, have a snack, and debrief.

Snacks acquired? Let’s get into it.

roadmap is a sardonic reclamation piece inspired by a TikTok trend. Also, read in Harley Quinn’s voice from her monologue in Birds of Prey. Mostly, this piece is meant to be a fun poke at the phrases “if only they knew how much you have gone through” and “you look like nothing like what you have been through.” This is also meant as a (fun) jab at all the people who remain in the shadows, watching the show. And, for the ones with jealousy in their hearts.

Well, all, or most 🤫😈, of my secrets have been spilled ✨ So take some notes.

This has been a behind-the-scenes sneak peek at what life has looked like for me since I disappeared off the internet a few years ago, and bonus scenes from my most debilitating series of traumas that occurred between 2020 – 2021. I know, I know, some people thought I died. And, I’m once again here to clarify that I did not, despite the obituary.

Y’all ever dealt with people who watch your life play out like it’s their favorite 90s sitcom? Tell me about it in the comments. Or not. Dealer’s choice.

If you want more Behind-the-Scenes footage, world-building mood boards, or just to hang out, you can find me on the socials linked below. If you’d like to stay up-to-date on future installments of The Post-Mortem Handbook, check out my newsletter. No spam, I promise — just a letter in your inbox letting you know when the latest drop hits ✨

until next time, stay alive, friends.

cryptid out ✌️

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